Navigating Adoption: Supporting a 14-Year-Old Through Feelings of Loss and Rejection

Adoption is a complex and emotional journey that can bring both joy and challenges. When a birth mother keeps custody of her older children while choosing to place the youngest for adoption, it can leave the adopted child feeling devastated and, at times, confused and heartbroken. How can parents navigate these difficult emotions to support their child?

Understanding the Decision-Making Process

Adoption doesn't mean rejection. Typically, a birth parent gives up a child because of physical or financial constraints, but still loves the child deeply. This has been a common narrative among many adopted individuals who refer to being chosen rather than given up. For instance, in many cases, the birth parent might not have been financially stable or physically capable to raise a newborn, yet they were still committed to giving the child the opportunity to thrive in a better environment.

The Perspective of an Adopted Individual

Many adopted people understand that they were not simply given up, but were chosen by a family who wanted to provide a better life for them. This perspective can be empowering and validating. For instance, finding one's birth family can be a formative experience that strengthens the bond with both adoptive and birth families. One adopted person, who found their birth family, stated, We are all really close now, including my adoptive parents.

Exploring Root Causes and Support

It's crucial to explore the reasons behind the birth mother's decisions. Often, having a newborn is more demanding than dealing with older children. In some cases, the story could be more complex, involving factors such as financial struggles, health issues, or other unforeseen circumstances. Unfortunately, there have been instances where parents sell children for money, a practice that should be discouraged and reported. The main point to remember is that your daughter was chosen for a better life and placed in a family that could love and support her.

The Role of Support and Therapy

Emotional support begins at home, but professional help can also be beneficial. Consulting with a child psychologist familiar with adoption and its aftermath can provide valuable insights and support. Additionally, therapy can be a crucial tool for a 14-year-old to process their feelings and come to terms with their circumstances. It's important to listen to her and help her understand the decision from a mature perspective.

Focus on the Positive

Focusing on the positive aspects of her life can help her find comfort. Acknowledge the great times she has shared with you and the love and support she will have from you in the years to come. Highlighting the differences in care and nurturing she receives from her adoptive parents can be empowering. Encourage her to let go of the past and embrace the present and future. You can also suggest that she see a therapist to talk about her feelings, which can provide a safe space to express her emotions.

Conclusion

Your daughter is not alone in her feelings, but she is not defined by them. Your role as a compassionate and understanding parent is vital. Keep the lines of communication open, provide support, and ensure she knows that she is deeply loved. With time, understanding, and professional guidance, she can navigate her feelings and find peace.

Together, you can help her find the strength to move forward and build a fulfilling life in her adoptive family. As you continue to support her, remember that the focus should always be on love, understanding, and the potential for a brighter future.