Understanding Your Depressed Best Friend: Why They Push You Away While Engaging with Others

It can be really tough to see a close friend struggling with depression, especially when they seem to be withdrawing from you while engaging with others. As a friend, it's natural to feel hurt and confused. Here are some possible reasons for this behavior, along with advice on how to support your depressed friend.

Isolation and Withdrawal

Depression often leads individuals to isolate themselves. Your friend might feel overwhelmed or unable to engage deeply with anyone, including you, even if they are spending time with others. This isolation can be a coping mechanism for them to protect their mental health.

Different Coping Mechanisms

People cope with depression in various ways. Your friend might find it easier to be around others who don’t know them as well. This can feel less emotionally taxing than sharing their struggles with someone who knows them intimately.

Fear of Burdening You

Your friend may worry that sharing their struggles with you could burden you or change the dynamic of your friendship. They might think you would be better off without their negative feelings, causing them to push you away.

Shame or Guilt

They might feel ashamed of their mental health struggles and believe that distancing themselves is a way to protect you from their pain. This shame can exacerbate feelings of isolation and withdrawal.

Need for Space

Sometimes people need space to process their feelings. Your friend might be navigating their emotions privately and may not be ready to share or connect deeply right now. Offering support while providing room for their solitude can be helpful.

Different Levels of Support

They may be seeking different types of support from various people. Family or acquaintances might provide a different kind of comfort that feels less intense than what a best friend can offer. Understanding their need for different types of support can help you navigate the situation more effectively.

If you’re concerned about your friend, consider reaching out in a gentle way. Let them know you’re there for them without pressure and encourage them to talk when they feel ready. It’s important to be patient and understanding as they navigate their feelings.

For personal perspective, after 23 years of marriage to a bipolar man, I can say that this behavior is common in relationships. As a word of caution, shutting someone out can later turn into a smear campaign about you with those same family and friends. Relationships are stressful and demanding, and he might just get triggered by the normal challenges of love relationships.