When Do Relationships With People With Borderline Personality Disorder Start to Fall Apart?

Relationships with individuals who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can face challenges at various points, but they may start to fall apart when certain patterns become prominent. These patterns often include intense and unstable emotions, fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting others, impulsivity, and frequent mood swings.

Conflicts may arise when these symptoms lead to behaviors such as sudden anger outbursts, manipulation, or perceived rejection. A lack of effective communication, boundary-setting, and coping mechanisms can further strain the relationship.

The Illusion of an Idealized Relationship

Often, what appears to be an idealized relationship is built on an idealized image of the other person. Like a mirage, this relationship seems perfect and real, but in reality, it cannot survive the test of reality. The individual with BPD may present a flawless image, but as the relationship deepens and genuine intimacy is sought, cracks appear. Here's why:

Their internal struggles, such as shame and fear of being seen, make it nearly impossible to maintain an idealized relationship. They cannot bear the shame of being truly seen, and without this authenticity, there can be no genuine connection or love. Similarly, they struggle with seeing others as they truly are, which is difficult but necessary for a healthy relationship. They cannot love someone if they are blind to their true self.

A Personal Experience of Relationship Breakdown

I first met my friend Liz without any knowledge of BPD or her condition. Our relationship rapidly deepened in a short space of time. She went from engaging 4-5 days a week to a much more transient presence within months.

Our growing closeness was marred by increasing dependency and frequent requests for support. Eventually, I found myself saying 'I am busy' to avoid commitments. The communication patterns shifted, with her replies becoming later and sometimes non-existent. Her attention switched from me to others, and she began flaking on plans. She became awkward when she had previously been more comfortable, and with each passing day, she started to shut me out.

Distressingly, this person who had been the first to know everything in her life now became the last to be informed unless a mutual friend relayed the information. When I encountered her, she either ignored or avoided me, and her behavior became increasingly manipulative. By this point, I chose to let her drift away knowing that the relationship could no longer continue.

Conclusion

While relationships with individuals with BPD can be complex and challenging, it is important to recognize the signs indicating that the relationship might be falling apart. These may include insincere or manipulative behaviors, shifting attention, and a lack of reliable communication. Understanding the underlying issues can help one to approach the situation with empathy and self-care.

As the saying goes, 'It's a very tragic situation,' as it is impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with someone who cannot be truly seen and known. The best approach may be to honor one's own emotional well-being and set boundaries to protect oneself from further harm.

Seeking support from professionals, such as therapists and counselors, can provide valuable guidance and assistance in navigating these challenging relationships.